I’ve decided to return to Tumblr for musings and word vomits. A sort of journaling if you will. 

Lately, I’ve been overwhelmed with feeling. The good and the bad. The lingering and the stagnant. But anger may arguably the heaviest of them all. 

I keep a close circle and don’t often share much of my life with people. And these people get the full truth from me, never coated with a layer of sugar to make the situation seem more or less my fault.

But after last November and the situation that played out, I’ve been finding myself seeking validation from people I don’t even know. Begging to be listened to. Trying to make sense of what happened.

Can I say with my full chest that I wasn’t at any faults? No. I was burnt out, feeling frustrated, unheard and unappreciated. I ran my mouth to people I shouldn’t have and became mildly bitter towards everything involved.

This being said… all of that is normal human behavior. I made one risky decision in a jump quick decision and it somehow negated all I ever did that was positive. My hands helped turn a mole hill into a mountain and once you felt overwhelmed, because I actually provided constructive criticisms, you turned on me too. 

I won’t say you ruined my life because no one has that kind of control over me and never will. However, you did impact it. You took someone who gave 110% and paid more attention to those giving 70%. You made me second guess my abilities as a manager, a worker and a friend. I’ll never forgive you for that. 

You knew of the hardships I was going through but I never caught a break. And when you handed me that piece of paper you thought I would crumble. I didn’t. But I wonder how it felt to see tears of frustration fly down my cheeks as I expressed to you how left behind I felt. How you forgot to invite me to your birthday. How you suddenly followed everyone else back but not me. How did it feel to laugh at those statements? To then have to run into a meeting and plead with the staff that you’re not a bad person and I was. I hope it felt good. I hope in that moment you felt powerful throwing someone who genuinely cared about you, your health, your family, your business out to the wolves, truly unbothered how it would affect me.

I struggled. I hit a low as far as depression goes. I couldn’t move forward. I was stunted. But I bounced back. And while I’m not fueled by vengeance, I do eagerly await the day we cross paths again. 

You always said you never wanted to be a big bad business person… so why’d you turn around and fuck over your “best friend”?

I mostly needed to get these things out on a vessel so they can leave my head once and for all. I wish for your successes. I hope you can sell your business and move to the west before all your illnesses get the better of you. 

Good luck. Good riddance. 

kumboochies:

andjablogge:

vc-allthetime:

if you’re on tumblr and over the age of 24 it means the mental illness won

Do you ever feel like you’re just slowly dissipating into a million tiny particles that will get swept away by the next big gust of wind? 

Slowly growing more and more invisible not to other people, but to yourself?

23 years young and I have lost my direction. A hopeful spirit but a crushed demeanor. Living in a city where sex sells and I’m the average looking girl with a B-cup and athletic thighs. 

I got talent in my bones but no one cares to let me show it. If I won’t shell out money to be seen or spend money to look someway, i’m not worth the time. My teachers once said that if you have a back-up plan you’ve already failed. Well here I am. No back up plan, still failing. Everyday is just another day, working an eight hour job, coming home, eating, going to the gym, rinse, lather, repeat.

But you say I’m not trying hard enough. I need to work less, take class more. I need to go to every single audition. And anything less isn’t trying.

So you scold me for not trying and continue to live your life with no worries. Hakuna matata. Well whoop-de-fucking-do for you. So many of my classmates have such an easier track than I do in this show. They have college paid for already, they don’t pay rent or they live at home, they have a car, they only have to focus on themselves, their craft and having fun. 

I stopped having fun when I moved 3,000 miles across the country to pursue my dream.

And yet you say I’m not trying hard enough. I’ve missed holidays and birthdays for 4 years now, and I am just not trying hard enough. I’ve worked three jobs at one time, barely slept, barely ate, gone to auditions and then to the gym and nearly passed out of exhaustion just to repeat it again the next day and I AM STILL NOT TRYING GOD DAMN HARD ENOUGH.

Well then that’s it. I have “failed”. I am finding my fallback plan and milking that for all it’s worth. Because in my failure I will heal and I will bounce back stronger than before. And maybe I will start to rebuild my throne of confidence and give it another go before truly throwing in the towel. 

But never, in all of my life, will I ever say or admit

that I didn’t try.

I’m starting a new blog series for at least the next couple of weeks. I decided that making a post about it might help me better commit and also give me a way to track all, err… any progress.

To begin, here’s my inspiration:

When I was attending AMDA, which wasn’t terribly long ago, the nights and days blurred into one. There was much activity and very little downtime. If you know me, you know that not only was I attending class from 8AM to 5PM daily, but also was involved in student groups that held meetings after class, an RA the latter half of my time there and also began to work out like my life depended on it, which usually meant 1-2 hour runs starting at 9PM.

All those words basically come together to mean one thing. I was crazy. BUT I did it all without ever feeling over exhausted. Sure, there was morning grogginess but nothing that prolonged past my morning shower.

I experienced a slight devestation (in lack of a word more fitting) back last April through October and it sent my body through a whirlwind. I gained back 25 pounds that I worked so hard to lose and sent myself spiraling into a depression. Since that point, it’s all been an uphill battle.

Fast forward to 2016. I work shifts from 7AM-4PM or 4PM to midnight and I am TIRED. I wake up tired, I go to sleep tired… there seems to be no escaping it. My resolution for this year as to drop those 25 pounds and fast, since I had done it once before. But the fire that used to be inside me has yet to be rekindled. I’m glad Energizer didn’t hire me instead of that bunny because boy would I have let them down. Oh god, I’m so funny. I digress…

I’ve done a lot of research on what could be causing my forever fatigue and one thing I have come across has been adrenal insufficiency or adrenal fatigue. I looked up some symptoms and some herbal remedies and have come up with a few things I am going to be trying over the next two to four weeks. (Notice I did not mention coffee anywhere. This is part of where adrenal fatigue comes from and I am trying to clear myself of the blockage.)

Chlorophyll, ginger shots, cayenne, a blend of adrenal support oils, aloe and green smoothies are all my first few pieces to solving this mystery.

The menu looks something like this, in no particular order:

1 pint of chlorophyll water (2 TSP chlorophyll)
1 AM adrenal support shot (20 drops of the blend, 5 of peppermint to 1oz water)
1 MID DAY adrenal support shot
1 green smoothie with ginger
1 pint of aloe water
1 ginger shot with cayenne and turmeric (1oz ginger)

I plan on making another post in a week with more details on how this goes. And if anyone has any questions about herbalism, juicing or a homeopathic lifestyle, feel free to ask.  I’ve been using these methods not only in my health but also my beauty regime and it’s been proving to have such an effect. I also want to see if mediation at least 3 times a week can help restore my energy but we’ll try that next week!

Wish me luck!